Sometimes a Stiff Drink is in Order

Some coping mechanisms when motherhood tramples and you become defeated.

1. Take a walk-- Rain or shine, even though it's the last thing you want to do when you're feeling beaten down. If you make yourself do it, you are sure to feel better-- even if only for the time you're walking.

2. Get OUT of the house! Go ANYWHERE that your child can get out and play too-- likely she needs exercise too because when moms don't exercise, the kids don't exercise... and it's a recipe for disaster. Got to n indoor or outdoor park, to the play area at the mall, find a pool to go swimming in or go to the library and let her hang with other kids in the children's section.

3. Forget the nap that she won't lay down for and read Dora books together in a secret fort.

4. When she does finally lay down for bed or nap (because everyone eventually sleeps) DO NOT clean your house, do homework, or any other such work. Instead, kick back to an audiobook and a glass of wine in bed no matter the time of day or night. Or lay down and sleep hard no matter what time it is.

5. Surround yourself with other moms whose parenting you respect and who can be honest about their hard times too, then lean on them for mama-support!

6. Don't lose control. In other words, don't hit, push, squeeze, slap, or hurt your child in any way

7. Then, LOSE THE GUILT. All mamas and dads make mistakes-- but these mistakes help your kids to see you as a complete person and helps them to understand that people are complex and nothing is perfect. It spices up their perspective of you! So, consider your mistakes learning experiences and don't beat yourself up.

8. Breathe. Isn't this what we tell our children to do? Let's remember it ourselves.


Tomorrow is another day. This is the adventure of a lifetime.

Costa Rica, Here We Come!

Update on life:

I don't know!!! I haven't stood still long enough to know what's going on in my own life for about 4 weeks now. I am up to my eyes in homework while working my job plus extra hours of practicum work for school... I have special events for my practicum that take up entire days, a variety of appointments, meetings, deadlines.

My life is defined by deadlines.

But not forever... and not even for long... we are going away to REST UP for a month in December!

WOOHOO!

That's all I've got at this moment, but stay tuned; I'll be posting more frequently from my vacation pad in Costa Rica!

Why I Ride

The hardest part about having a baby and all that for me, was giving up my bicycling for almost TWO YEARS!!! It all started one day when we headed out to the trails for the first time of the season and I found myself falling behind, feeling exhausted, and completely unable to keep up.

"what the heck," I thought, "I must be very out of shape!" Well, actually, later that day I took a pregnancy test and just barely saw a pink line. I took one a couple days later and that line was strong and bright. I did ride a few more times before I became visciously nauseous for the next 3 months a couple weeks later.

Since then, my bicycling has been hindered greatly by that annoyingly protruding belly that seems to come along with carrying another person in your body, and then ultimately, the carrying of that wee person on the outside of my body 24-7 (usually in some way hooked to my boob) for the year following her birth.

Last spring, when the break in winter weather beckons you outdoors for play, Annika was about five months or so. I would arrange a babysitter so I could sneak away on an hour or less ride, but really that was only possible a couple of times-- and even though my bike called loudly, my housework, yardwork and a million other things called more loudly when I had a babysitter and no plans.

I began plotting ways to carry her tiny self along with me so I could ride again, and when she was 7 months or so my dad gave us a backseat for my bike. Totally pumped, I had the thing installed and with high hopes, bought Annika a nice yellow helmet. Looking forward to riding everywhere with her and getting reacquainted with my bike, I put her in the seat and tried to put the helmet on her.

She slouched practically out of the seat and the helmet could have fit two of her heads. Determined, I took off anyway. The bike was terribly awkward after a year of not riding and 20 pounds of seat and baby on the back end. Annika started crying immediately and that first ride lasted about ... 15 seconds! I was so disappointed!

Subsequent tries were always equally disappointing and things got worse as she got older and began to panic about having the helmet strapped around her neck. Bicycling would just have to wait for an indefinate period longer...

The spring this year that followed an extremely harsh and cold winter called loudly as ever for us to get out and enjoy, and naturally biking became my goal again! For the first couple months it was a pointless struggle again. While Annika could sit comfortably in her seat this year, she hated her helmet more than ever. But this time I persisted (with plenty of encouragement from my dad, who helped me get her to wear her helmet) and eventually she just settled in and accepted the helmet.

Now she loves to ride the bike and prefers riding over driving (as do I) so I am back to riding again! We ride all over and I commute as often as I can by bike, which saves me a TON of gas (last week I only put in 15 dollars and still had some to spare when the weekend came around).

So what's to love so much about riding and why do I prefer to ride?

1. Riding feels so good! I love the wind in my face and the grind of propelling myself forward. It feels good to ride and my body feels great after I ride-- it helps me to have a better day overall!


2. 100% renewable and earth-friendly fuel! Sure, I could go out and drop a bunch of bucks on gasoline or if I'm green, even more bucks on a hybrid car and gasoline, or I can utilize the fuel that I already have plenty of every single day. I spend a good percentage of my paycheck on food and damnit, I choose to use my food-fuel to the fullest potential. I want to maximize the benefits of eating and give back to my own pocket -- through saving on gas and using my own personal green machine (my body!) to take up the slack.


3. When you ride outside instead of sealed inside your car, you get the benefit of a fuller sensual experience. The view is better when it's not the back of a car you're looking at, the air is crisp in your face, your hair gets tickled by the wind, your skin feels good and you notice things on your route that you never saw before in the car.


4. Cars Stink! As you're enjoying your fuller sensual experience, you also notice as you cross busy roads or ride among traffic that car exhaust makes you want to choke! I feel good when I'm riding because I know that at that time I am not emitting a nasty stank (not to mention about a million pollutants) into our nice environment. Yes, I might have a slight air of sweat or body odor when I get to my destination, but I always clean up and change my clothes before clocking in or settling down to be around people, and anyway, my BO is much less offensive and harmful than car exhaust! HOo!!


5. Riding with kids has multi-generational benefits for our environment and world. Riding with my daughter teaches her the life-lesson that non-petrol options of transportation are both viable and reliable! She will not grow up to be defeated by sprawl and become a slave to her car. She will grow up planning for slightly(but not by much) longer transport times for taking the bike, and self-propelled transportation will be normal for her.


6. I never have to take time out to "exercise." My lifestyle is exercise: I will always be fit.

These are the reasons I ride. Any questions?

THE CONUNDROM OF TODDLER NURSING!

In my house, midnight nursing is becoming a problem because I am getting very tired of being sleep-deprived all of the time.

Annika is 19 months and I don't want to wean her at all. However,even though she nurses very well right before bed (AND I give her a snack prior to nursing to ensure a full tummy) she still wakes up two or three times a night and wants NOTHING BUT TO NURSE at those times.

For a long time it wasn't such a big deal-- she would nurse and pass right back out, but now she starts suggesting that we go pee-pee during her wake-ups or that we go find daddy, etc... The pee-pee one is really hard because I feel like I should let her go if she needs to-- but then she just sits there on the potty in the middle of the night while I'm all fagged out and slumped over on the bathroom floor and never goes, but instead starts pulling her books out and demanding that I read them (*which I don't of course!!!) By the time I get back to bed I lay there and space out for a long time before Ican fall back to sleep.

I finally realized today as we embark on the adventures of "the twos" (I won't call them terrible-- but you know what I'm talking about) and potty training and a heavier work/school schedule for me,that I am simply not a very nice or good person (at least not as nice and good as I could be) when I am tired all day!

I've tried everything from exercising more to boost my energy to resting more to conserve my energy and all roads seem to lead to the same end: and angry, overtired, getting burnt out mama...I've acted the complete martyr in this situation so far, believing that it is in the best interest of Annika's well being to continue dragging myself out of bed every single night to nurse her as many times as she may wake... but today I finally realized that I would be doing her a better service by getting my sleep so that I can be a better mother during her (and my!) waking hours.

So how to break the habit in a healthy way? Our plan as of now is to pick a night to put her to bed, close the door, and then not go back in until morning.

I believe that she will break the habit after one night like that,but I hate the idea of her feeling like I'm not there. I plan to prep her all day that day, reminding her that when she wakes up I will be sleeping in my bed.Is it so bad to have sep. anxiety at night? I remember having it as a child in my own bed... the nighttime is scary. I always used to be afraid that my family might have disappeared in the night. But they never did... and I'm fine.

Isn't it just a part of growing up?

I'm Still Here... But are You?

It's August and I (barely) made it through last year's school. If I thought December was bad, I had no idea what lay ahead. My spring semester was what made me, well... a very mean and evil person who some people may have said bore a resemblance to SATAN! My poor husband, my poor child, and poor everyone else who had to deal with my insane moodiness which was followed up by a deep depression that lasted from May-July.

For those of you who suffer regularly from depression, my condolences. I have not had that ghost in my life for many years now and I had forgotten what it feels like to ignore your life and child (poor Annika!) to sleep in until 10 and then never get dressed, never pick up your house, shuffle about bitching at your husband and yourself, and your child, and whoever/whatever is closest at hand (pet, mail carrier, car or any other animate or inanimate object). Friends stop calling because you never call them and when you do you're terrible company because you hate yourself and your friend and the phone you're talking on, and what food you might be eating, or what music might be playing in the background or what color the wall might be painted in the room you sit in because you hate everything, starting and ending with yourself and your anger and hatred radiates throughout your life.

When your anger susides you find yourself washed up on the island of apathy-- the reason you sleep late and don't wash, and let your child play by herself in her bedroom for long stretches of time while you read or watch movies, or just lay there like a lonely lump. You feel like you have no one and you watch the beautiful weather pass by your window without the slightest wish to feel the sunshine or stretch your legs. You become pastey and gain weight as your steady diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches supported by the steady rotation of coffee and wine makes you feel worse and feeling worse makes you more apathetic and lethargic. You know you should do yoga today, or take a walk-- but you don't. You just Don't.

The essense of depression: You just don't _____.

My marriage was hit so hard as I hated on my husband. I got angry and berated him, accused him, nagged him, complained about him, and then felt sorry for myself, cried and sobbed myself to sleep at least four times a week, felt guilt for being angry and sad and dissatisfied with my good life and spiralled deeper into peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, coffee, wine, and general malaise and hatred for all. The whole thing erupted into a huge blowout between us that almost rent us apart forever. We held on tight though and we're seeing a big payoff now for working through it.

When I saw that I would never be able to hold my life together if I didn't pull myself out of the sewage stew I had been long-marinating in, I began researching breastfeeding-friendly remedies for depression (St John's Wort, ladies coupled with VIT B's and OMEGA-3's and... Exercise). Completely fed up with my inability to shake my funk, I stopped at the vitamin store on my way home that night to stock up on the aforementioned remedies and scheduled an appointment with my counselor (who I last saw in 2003). Then the next day I FORCED myself to take a walk-- just a short one-- but an OUTSIDE walk with Annika in the sun.

After a few weeks of counselling, taking my supplements, and spending a lot of time outside, I started feeling better. In one of our best decisions thusfar in our marriage we decided to start seeing the counsellor together! That was a major defining factor in my eventual upturn. (All people in relationships, tune in: couples/marriage counselling= worth every single penny you pay... and you will pay, but it will save you years of hardship and strife!) We have learned new and better ways to communicate, speak, listen to, and be considerate of each other. My growing marriage was like a well-needed fresh start. We both got to vent out our frustrations over the past year (you could see my December post... I've seen better years, suffice to say) and then work through it. We still see the counsellor every couple of weeks.

So, between outside time, homeopathic medication, a return to yoga, and more exercise, I began to emerge from my cave. I finally felt fully-returned about two weeks ago. I am enjoying my summer ... just as school is about to start again! Curses!

This year will be different though. I have a gameplan to save my sanity! I have set-aside worktimes, babysitters, schedules, plans, and I am optomistic. I'm trying to get as much a head-start as I can... and no more procrastinating. I am putting that behind me!

Well, perhaps you'll hear from me again ... in December!

December Blues

Look at me! I'm a mess! If you could look back through your computer right now you would see me: worn-down, slightly frumpy, hungry and thinking about ordering pizza out of desperation, slightly buzzed with a headache and film over my eye sitting in front of the computer at my workplace with a jelly-jar of wine in front of me, my wallet sprawled all over the place because I lost a credit card, and my trusty World Almanac and few pens hanging out on the desk... just in case... It's December. It must be because... just LOOK AT ME!

These are the moment when I never want to take another class again... ever. The semester is winding down and the "holiday spirit" and cold weather are descending upon us (in other words... the desire to stay in your pajamas all day and blow off any and all things that have deadlines is gaining momentum). That is why I find myself in front of this screen blogging at this very moment when my homework is pressing so hard upon my back that I have "checked out." I just simply cannot take another minute of the stress.

My head hurts

My nerves are buzzing.

You see, the thing about graduate school is that it's not like undergraduate school. You just can't blow off anything. You are just stuck having to work your ass off up until the very last SECOND of your semester. And then you collapse. Then you have a few Christmas cookies and some coffee, you toast with champagne on New Years and start up again a few weeks later. It's like... is this worth it?

I am learning a lot from my classes and I enjoy them very much overall and I do know that it is worth it... it's just that at this particular time of year everything becomes more difficult. The sun goes down at 5:00 and doesn't come up again until 7:30, the covers on your bed are very warm (and so is wine in the belly, mind you... especially glugg), the books you've been trying to squeeze in between your readings for class start to be so much more inviting, magazines bombard you on every side viing for your attentions, you start to get crafty (I recently started a quilt and four other sewing projects) you want to eat big meals, you want to move slowly, and you don't don't want to work.

This is the time of year when my procrastination circuitry really starts to groove. I put assignments off until literally the last moment and then I get completely stressed because I have to cram to finish them. That has been my weekend and now it is spilling over into my week. I can see the end: all assignments are due Friday so I simply will not have any more stress after that but getting to Friday can be so difficult sometime!

I can also see the big picture. I will be a real librarian when I finally graduate from this program and have my master's degree. The hard part about it is, I really stopped dedicating my life to formal education after I walked across the stage in 2005 and accepted my BA in Literature. I got married that same summer in a magically romantic dream-wedding vacation to Ireland with my entire family and I spent the rest of that year "taking a break" and enjoying the life of freedom.

The same week that I returned my acceptance notice for UW-Madison's SLIS program I found out I was pregnant. I had been so worried about getting into the program and was so excited to be accepted. A few days later when both lines were pink, I wondered if I should just scratch the whole thing.

I was right to consider it... it hasn't been easy! Annika was born just four days before my second semester of graduate school started. I'm glad that I stuck with it and I will be so glad when I have my master's next January. But now that I have a child I am insanely jealous and greedy with my time and I simply will not put school at the top of my list of priorities. I have many things on the list before school-- including my own mental wellness (that is why I am posting a blog instead of doing homework right now) and while I know I have my priorities just the way I want them, it does make it hard.

I have had to learn how to be a "good" student instead of an excellent student. I was an over-achiever in undergraduate school and I have had to let go of that obsessive part of myself in order to maintain the quality of life that I want with my family and for myself. I am still learning a ton and getting a lot out of my education but I am not spending hours on it every day.

But just like everything else that starts piling up in December, so does my weariness about my grades. I start hyper-analyzing every comment my teachers have made, poring over every assignment, calculating grades and having a hard time sleeping. Next Friday I will let go and allow my classes to turn out as they may (I will most likely get A's in both of them, by the way... I'm just OC when it comes to the end of the semester) but until then, well... it's a bit of a bumpy ride!

So raise your wine glass with me now (well, mine is empty.. I've moved on to water, as I rarely have more than one glass of wine in one sitting) and let us toast PRESSURE, that terrible thing that makes us appreciate leisure.

Thanksgiving and Black Friday and all that shizzy

Well, Thanksgiving is here, or is coming then, isn't it? Here I go, I guess I can't resist. I HAVE to talk about Thanksgiving even though it drives me crazy that every single radio show is about THANKSGIVING or TURKEYS or FOOD on this, the fourth week of November. It's like I can't escape the hoo-ra but here I am adding to it. I am just pitiful.

So have you all heard of a "tofu turkey?" Yes, this is a real phenomenon, although I have never partaken of such fare. Even vegetarians do draw the line somewhere. Let me clear up just where that line falls: I have eaten sliced tofu turkey... like deli-style with mustard or swiss chees (mmm-mmm!), but a round rump (I guess you wouldn't call it "rump" per se... more like "clump") of wobbly product of bean I have no desire to explore-- not even for pure curiosity. I did eat "bean curd" in China though... and quite a lot of it. It was pretty wobbly... hmmm.... what was I saying about that line?

I would like to see a "whole" tofu turkey on a menu. Do you "slice" it? Would one put it on a sandwich on the second day? Is there such thing as tofurkey gravy?

I remember eating turkey sandwiches for a week after Thanksgiving as a kid. Do you still do that, my meat-eating readers? Do you look forward to the buttery turkey slathered with gooshy gravy each year only to find yourself feeling nauseated at the sight of turkey three days later? Do you begin to gobble on the fourth day?

Now let's talk about "BLACK FRIDAY." That ridiculous day where people actually line up, LINE UP PEOPLE outside of Walmart at 5:00 am just to stampede each other as if they are at a Beatles concert and buy a cheap crappy telly that will never compare to John Lennon or Paul McCartney and will blow out in a year anyway for fifty bucks or that waffle iron you've always wanted to get that "special someone" for the amazing deal of ten dollars (Great gift ideas, thanks Walmart!)

Is a deal like that really really worth the dignity that one loses by mooing and herding in the pre-dawn hours just to get in the door BEFORE those tellies sell out? I mean, come on. It's no wonder that our government was able to trick us into agreeing to the war in Iraq. We're like sheep. We depend on the media, advertising, and the government to tell us how we feel and where we go when. The corporations holller that they will give you a deal and we clamor like ants to a sugar bowl; we are ensnared! How that does resonate with our current political situation...

I have to give props to those good folks who use this undeclared holiday against the very consumers who make it happen. I'm talking about the enterprising people who go in and buy those discounted items to resell them and turn a profit. Thank goodness someone is taking advantage of the schemes of the corporations and our own weakness for advertising.

I guess one thing I hate more than those Turkey bits on NPR is when the news starts reporting on all the action of "Black Friday." I mean, way to feed the monster. Make everyone even more involved in the goings-on than they already were, and suck me into the mess as well.

This year I have come to understand that all of "the holidays" are just days. We look forward to them so much-- but what are we really looking forward to? We are looking forward to an excuse to get together with our families, relax, stop thinking about WORK WORK WORK and let loose a little bit. The thing is, why wait for a holiday? If we were just a little more balanced, we would be able to enjoy those things on a regular basis.

Now that would be cause for celebration.