December Blues

Look at me! I'm a mess! If you could look back through your computer right now you would see me: worn-down, slightly frumpy, hungry and thinking about ordering pizza out of desperation, slightly buzzed with a headache and film over my eye sitting in front of the computer at my workplace with a jelly-jar of wine in front of me, my wallet sprawled all over the place because I lost a credit card, and my trusty World Almanac and few pens hanging out on the desk... just in case... It's December. It must be because... just LOOK AT ME!

These are the moment when I never want to take another class again... ever. The semester is winding down and the "holiday spirit" and cold weather are descending upon us (in other words... the desire to stay in your pajamas all day and blow off any and all things that have deadlines is gaining momentum). That is why I find myself in front of this screen blogging at this very moment when my homework is pressing so hard upon my back that I have "checked out." I just simply cannot take another minute of the stress.

My head hurts

My nerves are buzzing.

You see, the thing about graduate school is that it's not like undergraduate school. You just can't blow off anything. You are just stuck having to work your ass off up until the very last SECOND of your semester. And then you collapse. Then you have a few Christmas cookies and some coffee, you toast with champagne on New Years and start up again a few weeks later. It's like... is this worth it?

I am learning a lot from my classes and I enjoy them very much overall and I do know that it is worth it... it's just that at this particular time of year everything becomes more difficult. The sun goes down at 5:00 and doesn't come up again until 7:30, the covers on your bed are very warm (and so is wine in the belly, mind you... especially glugg), the books you've been trying to squeeze in between your readings for class start to be so much more inviting, magazines bombard you on every side viing for your attentions, you start to get crafty (I recently started a quilt and four other sewing projects) you want to eat big meals, you want to move slowly, and you don't don't want to work.

This is the time of year when my procrastination circuitry really starts to groove. I put assignments off until literally the last moment and then I get completely stressed because I have to cram to finish them. That has been my weekend and now it is spilling over into my week. I can see the end: all assignments are due Friday so I simply will not have any more stress after that but getting to Friday can be so difficult sometime!

I can also see the big picture. I will be a real librarian when I finally graduate from this program and have my master's degree. The hard part about it is, I really stopped dedicating my life to formal education after I walked across the stage in 2005 and accepted my BA in Literature. I got married that same summer in a magically romantic dream-wedding vacation to Ireland with my entire family and I spent the rest of that year "taking a break" and enjoying the life of freedom.

The same week that I returned my acceptance notice for UW-Madison's SLIS program I found out I was pregnant. I had been so worried about getting into the program and was so excited to be accepted. A few days later when both lines were pink, I wondered if I should just scratch the whole thing.

I was right to consider it... it hasn't been easy! Annika was born just four days before my second semester of graduate school started. I'm glad that I stuck with it and I will be so glad when I have my master's next January. But now that I have a child I am insanely jealous and greedy with my time and I simply will not put school at the top of my list of priorities. I have many things on the list before school-- including my own mental wellness (that is why I am posting a blog instead of doing homework right now) and while I know I have my priorities just the way I want them, it does make it hard.

I have had to learn how to be a "good" student instead of an excellent student. I was an over-achiever in undergraduate school and I have had to let go of that obsessive part of myself in order to maintain the quality of life that I want with my family and for myself. I am still learning a ton and getting a lot out of my education but I am not spending hours on it every day.

But just like everything else that starts piling up in December, so does my weariness about my grades. I start hyper-analyzing every comment my teachers have made, poring over every assignment, calculating grades and having a hard time sleeping. Next Friday I will let go and allow my classes to turn out as they may (I will most likely get A's in both of them, by the way... I'm just OC when it comes to the end of the semester) but until then, well... it's a bit of a bumpy ride!

So raise your wine glass with me now (well, mine is empty.. I've moved on to water, as I rarely have more than one glass of wine in one sitting) and let us toast PRESSURE, that terrible thing that makes us appreciate leisure.