I'm Still Here... But are You?

It's August and I (barely) made it through last year's school. If I thought December was bad, I had no idea what lay ahead. My spring semester was what made me, well... a very mean and evil person who some people may have said bore a resemblance to SATAN! My poor husband, my poor child, and poor everyone else who had to deal with my insane moodiness which was followed up by a deep depression that lasted from May-July.

For those of you who suffer regularly from depression, my condolences. I have not had that ghost in my life for many years now and I had forgotten what it feels like to ignore your life and child (poor Annika!) to sleep in until 10 and then never get dressed, never pick up your house, shuffle about bitching at your husband and yourself, and your child, and whoever/whatever is closest at hand (pet, mail carrier, car or any other animate or inanimate object). Friends stop calling because you never call them and when you do you're terrible company because you hate yourself and your friend and the phone you're talking on, and what food you might be eating, or what music might be playing in the background or what color the wall might be painted in the room you sit in because you hate everything, starting and ending with yourself and your anger and hatred radiates throughout your life.

When your anger susides you find yourself washed up on the island of apathy-- the reason you sleep late and don't wash, and let your child play by herself in her bedroom for long stretches of time while you read or watch movies, or just lay there like a lonely lump. You feel like you have no one and you watch the beautiful weather pass by your window without the slightest wish to feel the sunshine or stretch your legs. You become pastey and gain weight as your steady diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches supported by the steady rotation of coffee and wine makes you feel worse and feeling worse makes you more apathetic and lethargic. You know you should do yoga today, or take a walk-- but you don't. You just Don't.

The essense of depression: You just don't _____.

My marriage was hit so hard as I hated on my husband. I got angry and berated him, accused him, nagged him, complained about him, and then felt sorry for myself, cried and sobbed myself to sleep at least four times a week, felt guilt for being angry and sad and dissatisfied with my good life and spiralled deeper into peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, coffee, wine, and general malaise and hatred for all. The whole thing erupted into a huge blowout between us that almost rent us apart forever. We held on tight though and we're seeing a big payoff now for working through it.

When I saw that I would never be able to hold my life together if I didn't pull myself out of the sewage stew I had been long-marinating in, I began researching breastfeeding-friendly remedies for depression (St John's Wort, ladies coupled with VIT B's and OMEGA-3's and... Exercise). Completely fed up with my inability to shake my funk, I stopped at the vitamin store on my way home that night to stock up on the aforementioned remedies and scheduled an appointment with my counselor (who I last saw in 2003). Then the next day I FORCED myself to take a walk-- just a short one-- but an OUTSIDE walk with Annika in the sun.

After a few weeks of counselling, taking my supplements, and spending a lot of time outside, I started feeling better. In one of our best decisions thusfar in our marriage we decided to start seeing the counsellor together! That was a major defining factor in my eventual upturn. (All people in relationships, tune in: couples/marriage counselling= worth every single penny you pay... and you will pay, but it will save you years of hardship and strife!) We have learned new and better ways to communicate, speak, listen to, and be considerate of each other. My growing marriage was like a well-needed fresh start. We both got to vent out our frustrations over the past year (you could see my December post... I've seen better years, suffice to say) and then work through it. We still see the counsellor every couple of weeks.

So, between outside time, homeopathic medication, a return to yoga, and more exercise, I began to emerge from my cave. I finally felt fully-returned about two weeks ago. I am enjoying my summer ... just as school is about to start again! Curses!

This year will be different though. I have a gameplan to save my sanity! I have set-aside worktimes, babysitters, schedules, plans, and I am optomistic. I'm trying to get as much a head-start as I can... and no more procrastinating. I am putting that behind me!

Well, perhaps you'll hear from me again ... in December!