Well, folks, Jeremy and I have been wrapping up our affairs here in Rockford to prepare for our trip! I have been working triple-time on my homework to get a large portion of it out of the way, we winterized our yard and did a nice thorough cleaning this weekend, we are packing and arranging to get away!
We will be off the radar though. We will have a very frequent online presence but, it sounds crazy, you won't hear our voices while we're gone. Neither of our phones will work where we'll be at so that's it... we'll be conversing in text for the next month. Stay tuned in to the blog (you'll find all the greatest goods here at Fly, Mama! yeah!) and we'll keep you updated. We'll be on Facebook too and checking our email, so keep in touch!
YOU GIRLS who are having babies while we're away, I want all of the details... I can't wait to see your new family members; I'm getting nervous for you. I wish I was going to be here with you. So please, have your husbands update at least for you... especially while in labor, if possible!!!
Okay! Well, separation is good for the heart, so I know you all will love us when we get back! (Finally, damn!)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
REVOLUTION
Okay Folks,
It's time for a revolution. It's called the no-garbage revolution! In the spirit of the last post, I would like to challenge you and all your friends and family to rise up and make some not-so-difficult lifestyle adjustments that will make a huge impact on our environment, our cities, and our own lives!
I am asking you to make and meet a goal of producing only 1/4 of the garbage you produce today by the end of 2009. Watch what you bring to your curb for a couple of weeks. Imagine that garbage out of the bag, and on your lawn. Then multiply it by 52 for that number of weeks in one year and add a few more imagined bags of gobble-de-gook garbage to account for the number of times you have parties, or clean out closets. Can you still see your yard? Well, let me tell you that you would have to have a mighty big yard to not fill it with the trash you throw out in a year. This may not concern you, friend, readers, busy folks of the world who don't think about trash because it is whisked swiftly from your curbside each week while you sleep. But it should.
It should because you are indeed filling up some yard somewhere with your trash every week and so is your neighbor to the left, your neighbor to the right, and all your neighbors, friends, colleagues, enemies, and ministers. Can you fathom the amount of garbage that it adds up to?
I cannot. I also cannot fathom the fact that we have no useful way of getting rid of this enormous amount of reek-ed waste besides piling it up and then burying it and then piling it up again and burying it.
Think about your garden this next spring: imagine the delicate tendrils of pea plants reaching up and unfolding their delicate purple faces, your soft sage and sweet basil, the ripe and rotund red tomatoes bulging on their vines. Imagine the rich black soil-- and just beneath the surface: batteries leaking acid, old cellphones and radios bleeding mercury and poison into the earth, disease-laden dirty diapers and rusty needles, sharp broken glass and even wadded soaked and molding phone books, fat and useless but unable to decompose in their anaerobic environment of sewage and squelch.
Wait! Don't burn the garden yet. While this is the reality of many low-income Americans whose homes have been built on old covered waste piles, it doesn't have to be yours-- or anyone else's. This is a problem that must be solved by the makers of the waste. Believe me, in this economy and political climate (especially for those of us who live in bankrupt Illinois) improving our "waste management" system is at the bottom of a long list of other priorities-- the only thing below that is improving our education system... But happily, while we cannot all go into the classroom and teach, we can all put a GREAT HALT on the amount of garbage that we dump into the system.
I purpose for all of my friends, relatives, and colleagues to give this challenge their greatest effort for one year just to see how it goes. Here is the plan:
At the end of 2009, after having successfully implemented these core goals of responsible waste management, you will be able to look at the amount of trash you're adding to the big pile and feel good because it won't be much-- it will be less than a quarter of what you add now. So when you're calculating all those nasty trash numbers in your head, think about how your cutting back and being responsible will carry over years and years of less garbage. It's one place where we can make a huge difference without much inconvenience at all.
So I challenge you, friends, 2009 Take Responsibility for Your Footprint
Your garden will thank you too, in 2010 when you pack all that rich compost on it-- and you will thank you when those tomatoes, peas, and herbs come bursting from their bed.
It's time for a revolution. It's called the no-garbage revolution! In the spirit of the last post, I would like to challenge you and all your friends and family to rise up and make some not-so-difficult lifestyle adjustments that will make a huge impact on our environment, our cities, and our own lives!
I am asking you to make and meet a goal of producing only 1/4 of the garbage you produce today by the end of 2009. Watch what you bring to your curb for a couple of weeks. Imagine that garbage out of the bag, and on your lawn. Then multiply it by 52 for that number of weeks in one year and add a few more imagined bags of gobble-de-gook garbage to account for the number of times you have parties, or clean out closets. Can you still see your yard? Well, let me tell you that you would have to have a mighty big yard to not fill it with the trash you throw out in a year. This may not concern you, friend, readers, busy folks of the world who don't think about trash because it is whisked swiftly from your curbside each week while you sleep. But it should.
It should because you are indeed filling up some yard somewhere with your trash every week and so is your neighbor to the left, your neighbor to the right, and all your neighbors, friends, colleagues, enemies, and ministers. Can you fathom the amount of garbage that it adds up to?
I cannot. I also cannot fathom the fact that we have no useful way of getting rid of this enormous amount of reek-ed waste besides piling it up and then burying it and then piling it up again and burying it.
Think about your garden this next spring: imagine the delicate tendrils of pea plants reaching up and unfolding their delicate purple faces, your soft sage and sweet basil, the ripe and rotund red tomatoes bulging on their vines. Imagine the rich black soil-- and just beneath the surface: batteries leaking acid, old cellphones and radios bleeding mercury and poison into the earth, disease-laden dirty diapers and rusty needles, sharp broken glass and even wadded soaked and molding phone books, fat and useless but unable to decompose in their anaerobic environment of sewage and squelch.
Wait! Don't burn the garden yet. While this is the reality of many low-income Americans whose homes have been built on old covered waste piles, it doesn't have to be yours-- or anyone else's. This is a problem that must be solved by the makers of the waste. Believe me, in this economy and political climate (especially for those of us who live in bankrupt Illinois) improving our "waste management" system is at the bottom of a long list of other priorities-- the only thing below that is improving our education system... But happily, while we cannot all go into the classroom and teach, we can all put a GREAT HALT on the amount of garbage that we dump into the system.
I purpose for all of my friends, relatives, and colleagues to give this challenge their greatest effort for one year just to see how it goes. Here is the plan:
- If you don't have recycling bins and a smoothly-running system for recycling at your home, do that first! This is the foundation of the plan. Almost everything can be recycled... and it's not very hard to do. The easiest way to ensure that things get recycled, is to create bins for recyclable items that are right by the garbage can or as easily accessible-- especially in the kitchen. If it's a pain to bring the items to the bin, they won't be brought. Instead of just a garbage can, have two-- one for recycling and one for garbage. You'll be amazed at how less-quickly your garbage can fills up, just because of recycling.
- Compost Foodwaste. I realize that this is where I start to lose people, but hold on! This is so easy. People get very intimidated by things they have never done before and have a hard time taking that first step. I want to encourage you to take the step and find out later how easy COMPOSTING can be! For a container, there is something for everyone: you can make your own if you're industrious like that, or you can buy any kind of container: underground, cone-shaped, solar powered, a rubbermaid box container, or even a round turning container. These come in a very wide range of prices from $20 all the way up to over a hundred; each style has pros and cons, and you should choose not by price but by convenience. If you don't mind turning the pile and adding water on a regular basis, go cheap and do the work yourself. If you know you won't want to turn the pile or do the extra work, splurge and buy the one that works for you so that you can make good use of your purchase. And then USE IT! It is so easy. Almost everything can go into a compost container: Food scraps (but not meat, folks), yard waste (and it should go in, between layers of food waste), torn up paper, paper towels and napkins, tissues, swept-up debris from your floors, even the stuff from your vacuum cleaner!
- Try to buy with some amount of consciousness about packaging. I know this is hard because everything is over-packaged in America, but lean away from boxes of singly-packed food items and buy in bulk for things like laundry detergent and other things you use a lot of.
- Somewhere in your house-- whether hidden away in a closet or whatever-- label a few boxes for those things that you just know you're not supposed to throw away but you just sneak into the garbage -- just a few AA batteries at a time doesn't hurt right?-- because you don't want to go find a special recycling place every time you change a lightbulb or a battery. Then you have an easy place to put those items when you use them. As the box is filling up over time, you can consider your options for disposing of the items in a responsible way. By the time you're ready to dump them, you'll know where the most convenient drop-off place is for you.
At the end of 2009, after having successfully implemented these core goals of responsible waste management, you will be able to look at the amount of trash you're adding to the big pile and feel good because it won't be much-- it will be less than a quarter of what you add now. So when you're calculating all those nasty trash numbers in your head, think about how your cutting back and being responsible will carry over years and years of less garbage. It's one place where we can make a huge difference without much inconvenience at all.
So I challenge you, friends, 2009 Take Responsibility for Your Footprint
Your garden will thank you too, in 2010 when you pack all that rich compost on it-- and you will thank you when those tomatoes, peas, and herbs come bursting from their bed.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sometimes a Stiff Drink is in Order
Some coping mechanisms when motherhood tramples and you become defeated.
1. Take a walk-- Rain or shine, even though it's the last thing you want to do when you're feeling beaten down. If you make yourself do it, you are sure to feel better-- even if only for the time you're walking.
2. Get OUT of the house! Go ANYWHERE that your child can get out and play too-- likely she needs exercise too because when moms don't exercise, the kids don't exercise... and it's a recipe for disaster. Got to n indoor or outdoor park, to the play area at the mall, find a pool to go swimming in or go to the library and let her hang with other kids in the children's section.
3. Forget the nap that she won't lay down for and read Dora books together in a secret fort.
4. When she does finally lay down for bed or nap (because everyone eventually sleeps) DO NOT clean your house, do homework, or any other such work. Instead, kick back to an audiobook and a glass of wine in bed no matter the time of day or night. Or lay down and sleep hard no matter what time it is.
5. Surround yourself with other moms whose parenting you respect and who can be honest about their hard times too, then lean on them for mama-support!
6. Don't lose control. In other words, don't hit, push, squeeze, slap, or hurt your child in any way
7. Then, LOSE THE GUILT. All mamas and dads make mistakes-- but these mistakes help your kids to see you as a complete person and helps them to understand that people are complex and nothing is perfect. It spices up their perspective of you! So, consider your mistakes learning experiences and don't beat yourself up.
8. Breathe. Isn't this what we tell our children to do? Let's remember it ourselves.
Tomorrow is another day. This is the adventure of a lifetime.
1. Take a walk-- Rain or shine, even though it's the last thing you want to do when you're feeling beaten down. If you make yourself do it, you are sure to feel better-- even if only for the time you're walking.
2. Get OUT of the house! Go ANYWHERE that your child can get out and play too-- likely she needs exercise too because when moms don't exercise, the kids don't exercise... and it's a recipe for disaster. Got to n indoor or outdoor park, to the play area at the mall, find a pool to go swimming in or go to the library and let her hang with other kids in the children's section.
3. Forget the nap that she won't lay down for and read Dora books together in a secret fort.
4. When she does finally lay down for bed or nap (because everyone eventually sleeps) DO NOT clean your house, do homework, or any other such work. Instead, kick back to an audiobook and a glass of wine in bed no matter the time of day or night. Or lay down and sleep hard no matter what time it is.
5. Surround yourself with other moms whose parenting you respect and who can be honest about their hard times too, then lean on them for mama-support!
6. Don't lose control. In other words, don't hit, push, squeeze, slap, or hurt your child in any way
7. Then, LOSE THE GUILT. All mamas and dads make mistakes-- but these mistakes help your kids to see you as a complete person and helps them to understand that people are complex and nothing is perfect. It spices up their perspective of you! So, consider your mistakes learning experiences and don't beat yourself up.
8. Breathe. Isn't this what we tell our children to do? Let's remember it ourselves.
Tomorrow is another day. This is the adventure of a lifetime.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Costa Rica, Here We Come!
Update on life:
I don't know!!! I haven't stood still long enough to know what's going on in my own life for about 4 weeks now. I am up to my eyes in homework while working my job plus extra hours of practicum work for school... I have special events for my practicum that take up entire days, a variety of appointments, meetings, deadlines.
My life is defined by deadlines.
But not forever... and not even for long... we are going away to REST UP for a month in December!
WOOHOO!
That's all I've got at this moment, but stay tuned; I'll be posting more frequently from my vacation pad in Costa Rica!
I don't know!!! I haven't stood still long enough to know what's going on in my own life for about 4 weeks now. I am up to my eyes in homework while working my job plus extra hours of practicum work for school... I have special events for my practicum that take up entire days, a variety of appointments, meetings, deadlines.
My life is defined by deadlines.
But not forever... and not even for long... we are going away to REST UP for a month in December!
WOOHOO!
That's all I've got at this moment, but stay tuned; I'll be posting more frequently from my vacation pad in Costa Rica!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Why I Ride
The hardest part about having a baby and all that for me, was giving up my bicycling for almost TWO YEARS!!! It all started one day when we headed out to the trails for the first time of the season and I found myself falling behind, feeling exhausted, and completely unable to keep up.
"what the heck," I thought, "I must be very out of shape!" Well, actually, later that day I took a pregnancy test and just barely saw a pink line. I took one a couple days later and that line was strong and bright. I did ride a few more times before I became visciously nauseous for the next 3 months a couple weeks later.
Since then, my bicycling has been hindered greatly by that annoyingly protruding belly that seems to come along with carrying another person in your body, and then ultimately, the carrying of that wee person on the outside of my body 24-7 (usually in some way hooked to my boob) for the year following her birth.
Last spring, when the break in winter weather beckons you outdoors for play, Annika was about five months or so. I would arrange a babysitter so I could sneak away on an hour or less ride, but really that was only possible a couple of times-- and even though my bike called loudly, my housework, yardwork and a million other things called more loudly when I had a babysitter and no plans.
I began plotting ways to carry her tiny self along with me so I could ride again, and when she was 7 months or so my dad gave us a backseat for my bike. Totally pumped, I had the thing installed and with high hopes, bought Annika a nice yellow helmet. Looking forward to riding everywhere with her and getting reacquainted with my bike, I put her in the seat and tried to put the helmet on her.
She slouched practically out of the seat and the helmet could have fit two of her heads. Determined, I took off anyway. The bike was terribly awkward after a year of not riding and 20 pounds of seat and baby on the back end. Annika started crying immediately and that first ride lasted about ... 15 seconds! I was so disappointed!
Subsequent tries were always equally disappointing and things got worse as she got older and began to panic about having the helmet strapped around her neck. Bicycling would just have to wait for an indefinate period longer...
The spring this year that followed an extremely harsh and cold winter called loudly as ever for us to get out and enjoy, and naturally biking became my goal again! For the first couple months it was a pointless struggle again. While Annika could sit comfortably in her seat this year, she hated her helmet more than ever. But this time I persisted (with plenty of encouragement from my dad, who helped me get her to wear her helmet) and eventually she just settled in and accepted the helmet.
Now she loves to ride the bike and prefers riding over driving (as do I) so I am back to riding again! We ride all over and I commute as often as I can by bike, which saves me a TON of gas (last week I only put in 15 dollars and still had some to spare when the weekend came around).
So what's to love so much about riding and why do I prefer to ride?
- Riding feels so good! I love the wind in my face and the grind of propelling myself forward. It feels good to ride and my body feels great after I ride-- it helps me to have a better day overall!
- 100% renewable and earth-friendly fuel! Sure, I could go out and drop a bunch of bucks on gasoline or if I'm green, even more bucks on a hybrid car and gasoline, or I can utilize the fuel that I already have plenty of every single day. I spend a good percentage of my paycheck on food and damnit, I choose to use my food-fuel to the fullest potential. I want to maximize the benefits of eating and give back to my own pocket -- through saving on gas and using my own personal green machine (my body!) to take up the slack.
- When you ride outside instead of sealed inside your car, you get the benefit of a fuller sensual experience. The view is better when it's not the back of a car you're looking at, the air is crisp in your face, your hair gets tickled by the wind, your skin feels good and you notice things on your route that you never saw before in the car.
- Cars Stink! As you're enjoying your fuller sensual experience, you also notice as you cross busy roads or ride among traffic that car exhaust makes you want to choke! I feel good when I'm riding because I know that at that time I am not emitting a nasty stank (not to mention about a million pollutants) into our nice environment. Yes, I might have a slight air of sweat or body odor when I get to my destination, but I always clean up and change my clothes before clocking in or settling down to be around people, and anyway, my BO is much less offensive and harmful than car exhaust! HOo!!
- Riding with kids has multi-generational benefits for our environment and world. Riding with my daughter teaches her the life-lesson that non-petrol options of transportation are both viable and reliable! She will not grow up to be defeated by sprawl and become a slave to her car. She will grow up planning for slightly(but not by much) longer transport times for taking the bike, and self-propelled transportation will be normal for her.
- I never have to take time out to "exercise." My lifestyle is exercise: I will always be fit.
These are the reasons I ride. Any questions?
Monday, August 25, 2008
THE CONUNDROM OF TODDLER NURSING!
In my house, midnight nursing is becoming a problem because I am getting very tired of being sleep-deprived all of the time.
Annika is 19 months and I don't want to wean her at all. However,even though she nurses very well right before bed (AND I give her a snack prior to nursing to ensure a full tummy) she still wakes up two or three times a night and wants NOTHING BUT TO NURSE at those times.
For a long time it wasn't such a big deal-- she would nurse and pass right back out, but now she starts suggesting that we go pee-pee during her wake-ups or that we go find daddy, etc... The pee-pee one is really hard because I feel like I should let her go if she needs to-- but then she just sits there on the potty in the middle of the night while I'm all fagged out and slumped over on the bathroom floor and never goes, but instead starts pulling her books out and demanding that I read them (*which I don't of course!!!) By the time I get back to bed I lay there and space out for a long time before Ican fall back to sleep.
I finally realized today as we embark on the adventures of "the twos" (I won't call them terrible-- but you know what I'm talking about) and potty training and a heavier work/school schedule for me,that I am simply not a very nice or good person (at least not as nice and good as I could be) when I am tired all day!
I've tried everything from exercising more to boost my energy to resting more to conserve my energy and all roads seem to lead to the same end: and angry, overtired, getting burnt out mama...I've acted the complete martyr in this situation so far, believing that it is in the best interest of Annika's well being to continue dragging myself out of bed every single night to nurse her as many times as she may wake... but today I finally realized that I would be doing her a better service by getting my sleep so that I can be a better mother during her (and my!) waking hours.
So how to break the habit in a healthy way? Our plan as of now is to pick a night to put her to bed, close the door, and then not go back in until morning.
I believe that she will break the habit after one night like that,but I hate the idea of her feeling like I'm not there. I plan to prep her all day that day, reminding her that when she wakes up I will be sleeping in my bed.Is it so bad to have sep. anxiety at night? I remember having it as a child in my own bed... the nighttime is scary. I always used to be afraid that my family might have disappeared in the night. But they never did... and I'm fine.
Isn't it just a part of growing up?
Annika is 19 months and I don't want to wean her at all. However,even though she nurses very well right before bed (AND I give her a snack prior to nursing to ensure a full tummy) she still wakes up two or three times a night and wants NOTHING BUT TO NURSE at those times.
For a long time it wasn't such a big deal-- she would nurse and pass right back out, but now she starts suggesting that we go pee-pee during her wake-ups or that we go find daddy, etc... The pee-pee one is really hard because I feel like I should let her go if she needs to-- but then she just sits there on the potty in the middle of the night while I'm all fagged out and slumped over on the bathroom floor and never goes, but instead starts pulling her books out and demanding that I read them (*which I don't of course!!!) By the time I get back to bed I lay there and space out for a long time before Ican fall back to sleep.
I finally realized today as we embark on the adventures of "the twos" (I won't call them terrible-- but you know what I'm talking about) and potty training and a heavier work/school schedule for me,that I am simply not a very nice or good person (at least not as nice and good as I could be) when I am tired all day!
I've tried everything from exercising more to boost my energy to resting more to conserve my energy and all roads seem to lead to the same end: and angry, overtired, getting burnt out mama...I've acted the complete martyr in this situation so far, believing that it is in the best interest of Annika's well being to continue dragging myself out of bed every single night to nurse her as many times as she may wake... but today I finally realized that I would be doing her a better service by getting my sleep so that I can be a better mother during her (and my!) waking hours.
So how to break the habit in a healthy way? Our plan as of now is to pick a night to put her to bed, close the door, and then not go back in until morning.
I believe that she will break the habit after one night like that,but I hate the idea of her feeling like I'm not there. I plan to prep her all day that day, reminding her that when she wakes up I will be sleeping in my bed.Is it so bad to have sep. anxiety at night? I remember having it as a child in my own bed... the nighttime is scary. I always used to be afraid that my family might have disappeared in the night. But they never did... and I'm fine.
Isn't it just a part of growing up?
Monday, August 18, 2008
I'm Still Here... But are You?
It's August and I (barely) made it through last year's school. If I thought December was bad, I had no idea what lay ahead. My spring semester was what made me, well... a very mean and evil person who some people may have said bore a resemblance to SATAN! My poor husband, my poor child, and poor everyone else who had to deal with my insane moodiness which was followed up by a deep depression that lasted from May-July.
For those of you who suffer regularly from depression, my condolences. I have not had that ghost in my life for many years now and I had forgotten what it feels like to ignore your life and child (poor Annika!) to sleep in until 10 and then never get dressed, never pick up your house, shuffle about bitching at your husband and yourself, and your child, and whoever/whatever is closest at hand (pet, mail carrier, car or any other animate or inanimate object). Friends stop calling because you never call them and when you do you're terrible company because you hate yourself and your friend and the phone you're talking on, and what food you might be eating, or what music might be playing in the background or what color the wall might be painted in the room you sit in because you hate everything, starting and ending with yourself and your anger and hatred radiates throughout your life.
When your anger susides you find yourself washed up on the island of apathy-- the reason you sleep late and don't wash, and let your child play by herself in her bedroom for long stretches of time while you read or watch movies, or just lay there like a lonely lump. You feel like you have no one and you watch the beautiful weather pass by your window without the slightest wish to feel the sunshine or stretch your legs. You become pastey and gain weight as your steady diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches supported by the steady rotation of coffee and wine makes you feel worse and feeling worse makes you more apathetic and lethargic. You know you should do yoga today, or take a walk-- but you don't. You just Don't.
The essense of depression: You just don't _____.
My marriage was hit so hard as I hated on my husband. I got angry and berated him, accused him, nagged him, complained about him, and then felt sorry for myself, cried and sobbed myself to sleep at least four times a week, felt guilt for being angry and sad and dissatisfied with my good life and spiralled deeper into peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, coffee, wine, and general malaise and hatred for all. The whole thing erupted into a huge blowout between us that almost rent us apart forever. We held on tight though and we're seeing a big payoff now for working through it.
When I saw that I would never be able to hold my life together if I didn't pull myself out of the sewage stew I had been long-marinating in, I began researching breastfeeding-friendly remedies for depression (St John's Wort, ladies coupled with VIT B's and OMEGA-3's and... Exercise). Completely fed up with my inability to shake my funk, I stopped at the vitamin store on my way home that night to stock up on the aforementioned remedies and scheduled an appointment with my counselor (who I last saw in 2003). Then the next day I FORCED myself to take a walk-- just a short one-- but an OUTSIDE walk with Annika in the sun.
After a few weeks of counselling, taking my supplements, and spending a lot of time outside, I started feeling better. In one of our best decisions thusfar in our marriage we decided to start seeing the counsellor together! That was a major defining factor in my eventual upturn. (All people in relationships, tune in: couples/marriage counselling= worth every single penny you pay... and you will pay, but it will save you years of hardship and strife!) We have learned new and better ways to communicate, speak, listen to, and be considerate of each other. My growing marriage was like a well-needed fresh start. We both got to vent out our frustrations over the past year (you could see my December post... I've seen better years, suffice to say) and then work through it. We still see the counsellor every couple of weeks.
So, between outside time, homeopathic medication, a return to yoga, and more exercise, I began to emerge from my cave. I finally felt fully-returned about two weeks ago. I am enjoying my summer ... just as school is about to start again! Curses!
This year will be different though. I have a gameplan to save my sanity! I have set-aside worktimes, babysitters, schedules, plans, and I am optomistic. I'm trying to get as much a head-start as I can... and no more procrastinating. I am putting that behind me!
Well, perhaps you'll hear from me again ... in December!
For those of you who suffer regularly from depression, my condolences. I have not had that ghost in my life for many years now and I had forgotten what it feels like to ignore your life and child (poor Annika!) to sleep in until 10 and then never get dressed, never pick up your house, shuffle about bitching at your husband and yourself, and your child, and whoever/whatever is closest at hand (pet, mail carrier, car or any other animate or inanimate object). Friends stop calling because you never call them and when you do you're terrible company because you hate yourself and your friend and the phone you're talking on, and what food you might be eating, or what music might be playing in the background or what color the wall might be painted in the room you sit in because you hate everything, starting and ending with yourself and your anger and hatred radiates throughout your life.
When your anger susides you find yourself washed up on the island of apathy-- the reason you sleep late and don't wash, and let your child play by herself in her bedroom for long stretches of time while you read or watch movies, or just lay there like a lonely lump. You feel like you have no one and you watch the beautiful weather pass by your window without the slightest wish to feel the sunshine or stretch your legs. You become pastey and gain weight as your steady diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches supported by the steady rotation of coffee and wine makes you feel worse and feeling worse makes you more apathetic and lethargic. You know you should do yoga today, or take a walk-- but you don't. You just Don't.
The essense of depression: You just don't _____.
My marriage was hit so hard as I hated on my husband. I got angry and berated him, accused him, nagged him, complained about him, and then felt sorry for myself, cried and sobbed myself to sleep at least four times a week, felt guilt for being angry and sad and dissatisfied with my good life and spiralled deeper into peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, coffee, wine, and general malaise and hatred for all. The whole thing erupted into a huge blowout between us that almost rent us apart forever. We held on tight though and we're seeing a big payoff now for working through it.
When I saw that I would never be able to hold my life together if I didn't pull myself out of the sewage stew I had been long-marinating in, I began researching breastfeeding-friendly remedies for depression (St John's Wort, ladies coupled with VIT B's and OMEGA-3's and... Exercise). Completely fed up with my inability to shake my funk, I stopped at the vitamin store on my way home that night to stock up on the aforementioned remedies and scheduled an appointment with my counselor (who I last saw in 2003). Then the next day I FORCED myself to take a walk-- just a short one-- but an OUTSIDE walk with Annika in the sun.
After a few weeks of counselling, taking my supplements, and spending a lot of time outside, I started feeling better. In one of our best decisions thusfar in our marriage we decided to start seeing the counsellor together! That was a major defining factor in my eventual upturn. (All people in relationships, tune in: couples/marriage counselling= worth every single penny you pay... and you will pay, but it will save you years of hardship and strife!) We have learned new and better ways to communicate, speak, listen to, and be considerate of each other. My growing marriage was like a well-needed fresh start. We both got to vent out our frustrations over the past year (you could see my December post... I've seen better years, suffice to say) and then work through it. We still see the counsellor every couple of weeks.
So, between outside time, homeopathic medication, a return to yoga, and more exercise, I began to emerge from my cave. I finally felt fully-returned about two weeks ago. I am enjoying my summer ... just as school is about to start again! Curses!
This year will be different though. I have a gameplan to save my sanity! I have set-aside worktimes, babysitters, schedules, plans, and I am optomistic. I'm trying to get as much a head-start as I can... and no more procrastinating. I am putting that behind me!
Well, perhaps you'll hear from me again ... in December!
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